I have been spending some time quarreling with myself about body image and feeling good about the body I am fortunate to inhabit.
Ever since I can remember, I have not liked what I see in the mirror. I take care of my body. I nourish it with healthy alternatives and whole foods, I move it by exercising on a regular basis and I encourage it to rest when it needs. Yet, when I look in the mirror, it is not the body that I expect to be staring back at me. It sags, and bulges. It dimples and jiggles. Even though I consider myself to be educated in how the media distorts our perception of beauty, I still feel the need to conform to what is impossible to achieve.
Are You A Pear or An Apple?
Constantly searching the internet for the latest diet trend and empty promise, it comes down to identification … are you a pear or an apple?
I’m an apple and I am not proud of that fact. I loathe it. I carry my weight around my tummy area. Pants don’t fit quite right. They either fit around my stomach, but look ridiculous around my thighs or vice versa. Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded that I am an apple. Apple…apple…apple. And every single time that happens, I feel like less. I feel less, every time I hold myself back from love, intimacy and embrace for fear of what another may think. Every social event I go to where I find myself comparing my body to others instead of enjoying the moments together I feel less.
We all have the same amount of hours in the day, but I am being distracted, and letting the wrong things take up that time and space. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t have a negative thought or 20 about my body. Not a day! It’s just that I am trying to have a bigger focus now. More awareness and less tolerance for distractions. I no longer have time for the things trying to pull me away from the big stuff by making me feel small.
So I decided to do what I do and make art out of this struggle. I decided to play with this concept of identification. As an artist I am always incorporating my thoughts, ideas and emotions into my work. Playing with digital paint I decided to explore this idea of body shape identification. I decided to take a photograph of myself, digitally paint on top, yet allow small portions of my skin to be seen albeit subtlly. I wanted the paint that I applied to appear somewhat realistic in nature yet heavy enough to hide my perceived imperfections while not exposing too much. I then painted the image with an apple and then a pear as a way of illustrating the idea of identifying as one or the other.
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